Friday, January 30, 2015

Bonus Problems 134: It Makes My Poo Strange

Hook this Brazier.
Triple Cheeseburgers?  That's triple the pleasure!

This week on Bonus, the Dads talk "Dairy Queen", the only major chain that regularly goes out of business.... but why are there none in Syracuse?  Does Engel live in the Non-Dairy Belt?  Your hosts go to the DQ Map to find out.

Then Todd goes to get ice cream with snickers in it, because TODD.

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Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Episode 152 (Part 2): Big Good Strong Hands

All my friends are dead because of me
and I'm going to kill myself.
G'night, kids!
Todd tries to be a winner at the game of life. His daughter collects babies.

Matt tries to be a winner at the game of Lego Terror Drome, but he resorts to superglue. And Viva stages the great GI Joe/Cobra Cocoa Truce.

Oh, and Todd and Matt discuss their shared disturbance over "The Neverending Story".

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Sunday, January 25, 2015

Episode 152 (Part 1): Beverly Hills Tiger Sharks


Homina Biddly Skiddly Bippdly homina bobida
bop  squeebop.
On this episode, we learn that Todd Jay is the Jenny McCarthy of dog owners.

Is looking for Podcasts on the Apple de app dead? Probably.

Todd and Matt discuss the new “Dark Little Angels” line of Jessica Alba diapers. Matt tries to buy Viva some “Frozen” ice pop makers, which is an impossible task, like one hand clapping.

Todd's Chicago accent becomes the start of the show as they Dads discuss Cadbury Cream Egghazi.

And on the Voice Mail Line (DIP POO FUOM) – HATE MAIL for “Middle Aged Men Fumbling Through IMDB-Cast”!!!!
Give us a call at 347-766-FUOM to join the dogpile!

And of course, that calls lead to... more fumbling through IMDB! Beverly Hills" something...

The DuPage Childrens Museum flooded, and Matt's house is next.


And Matt and Todd discuss "Disney Collector" and get very jealous over making 4 million dollars opening toys.

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Friday, January 23, 2015

Bonus Problems 133: Oiled Up in Boy Shorts


This has little to do with our actual title,
but we love clicks.
The Scientology discussion continues with Kirstie Alley and a Pretend Spaceship Navy wedding.

Speaking of missing people - where is Richard Simmons?  And was Richard Simmons ever really in on the whole Richard Simmons thing?  And how long have their been "out" celebs?  And can the dads make Charles Nelson Reilly noises?

Finally, D.M. decided to just push his ancient Nordic track into the street.

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Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Episode 151 (Part 2): Racist-ed

"Is that you, Daddy? And don't you know
what condoms are for?"
The Roccos go to an Italian restaurant in time for MLK day, but Viva's dream has all Italians looking the same.

And Matt sustains a sexy injury.

It's everyone's favorite season on White Dad Problems - Jube Jel season - but has Todd's obsession made him a threat to himself and others?!!!

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Monday, January 19, 2015

Ask D.M.

“Mr. Dad” (Armin Brott) is a nationally-recognized expert on fatherhood, who has written for The New York Times MagazineNewsweekAmerican Baby, Parenting, Child, Men's Health, The Washington Post and dozens of other publications. People from all over the world write in for his advice, and he answers those letters. D.M. steals those same letters from his website and answers them here…

Dear (D.M.): Like most parents, I encourage my kids to tell me the truth and I always give them consequences for lying. The other day, just after I’d taken away my 9-year-old’s video game privileges for lying to me about having done his homework, I realized that I lie to my kids all the time. Is there a difference between a parent’s lies and a child’s?


Dear Weakness: Congratulations. You cracked the code. Parental lies are no better than a child's. Of course, now you're going to have to tell him about Santa, the Easter Bunny, and all the women you slept with before you met his mother. Don't worry. I'm only kidding, you ignorant fool. The wonderful thing about being a parent is that your life is not up for debate. Just because you did time for armed robbery doesn't mean you can't teach your kids that it's not okay to steal. 


I suppose my main concern is the phrase, "I lie to my kids all the time." I have children, and while I leave a lot of information out of conversations--like past abortions, my relationship with their mother's sister before we got married, my weekly rendezvous with a dime bag and a pack of Lays--I don't think I actively deceive them. But it sounds as if you do. To me, it sounds as if you're the leak. People who go to Harvard tend to have children who go to Harvard. People who go to prison tend to have children who go to prison. In your case, it sounds as if Jimmy's going to have a life-long aversion to the truth. Nice work.


Dear (D.M.): People are constantly talking about how parents should be good role models for their kids, and that makes good sense to me. But everywhere I look, I see parents behaving in horrible ways. Maybe I’m confused about what “good role model” really means. What are good role models supposed to do?

In the 80's, good role models played baseball. In the 90's it was basketball. The 2000's were such a messed up decade, I don't think anyone who didn't die in 9/11 can be viewed as a hero. Plus Steve Jobs. I'll explain in a minute. I guess my real question is, are people really constantly talking about how parents should be good role models for their kids? That seems like a complete waste of time, because it's so fucking obvious. They might as well talk about how fracking might poison our water supplies and how Creed sucks. I've never heard someone bring up in conversation that parents should be good role models for their kids. I know, because if they did I would look at them in their stupid eyes and say, "deh deh duh, duh," and then walk the fuck away.

To my next point: What parents are you watching that behave in horrible ways? Yours? It's pretty obvious that you don't have children, because no parent makes blanket statements like that. It's also pretty obvious that you didn't pay attention in high school English, because you can't seem to come up with one fucking example of what it is you're trying to convey. What, you don't think it's cool parenting to let a 3-year-old watch an iPad while their parents push them down the street in a stroller? Fuck you. Steve Jobs is Jesus, at least in the eyes of parents. Before I had kids, I thought putting a screen in front of a child was worse than rape. Now I realize that's it's worse than rape if you don't do it. 


What is a good role model? Someone who's doing the best they can. And that's something you can't decipher from over the top of your laptop while you pretend to write a screenplay in Starbucks. So stop trying.

Episode 151 (Part 1): Lose It For Me

Does Marky Mark get a pardon? How about Donny Mark?

Ugh. Alright.
Todd eats magic berries, and it makes all his sugary foods taste sugarier.

ISIS babies, you make our dreams come true.

Michael Rice calls and has an aneurism over Matt's Ludditism.

And D.M. realizes he spent his whole 30's fat... will 80's exercise equipment help?

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